Change. What a big word. People say it so easily, as if changing something means it will stay changed. But is that even possible when change only belongs to the moment? What about the long run? What am I supposed to do after everything changes? All I’ve ever really known how to do is survive the storm, and all I ever built for myself was a raft.
Maybe that is why I don’t know what I would change about my city. I would change everything, but I would want it to be built on truth. Because change without truth is just another version of pretending. My life needs truth. I need truth. But I have become so good at giving the best smiles and pretending that everything is well. The strange part is that I don’t always lie. I say things that are true. I just don’t always say the truth.
And I wonder how much can be lost in the space between those two things. How many moments have passed because saying something true was easier than saying what was actually inside me? How selfish can silence become when you know the truth but choose the version of it that gives you an easier way out? Maybe nobody even notices. Maybe the smile works. Maybe everyone believes everything is fine. But I know the difference between what I said and what I meant.
Change, I think, only comes after attempting peace. And before peace, there has to be truth. Real truth. The kind that doesn’t make you comfortable. The kind that doesn’t allow you to keep the same character you’ve been playing. Because what am I supposed to change if I haven’t even admitted what needs changing?
Maybe that is where I want to be. Peace has begun to slowly crept through the parts of me that used to be at war. I’ve started speaking one truth at a time, and now I am left with a different question. What happens after the truth? What happens when you finally say the things you’ve spent years avoiding? Do you rebuild? Do you change? Do you finally leave the raft behind and learn how to stand somewhere that isn’t constantly sinking?
And what about the long run?
Because surviving the storm was never supposed to be the whole point. So now the truth is here. Change is waiting. And for the first time, I don’t know if I’m asking what I would change about my life anymore. I think I’m asking…what happens when I finally change myself?
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